From the Buzzfeed

From "Speed Bump" by Dave Coverly

Ziggy and Friends

From www.guy-sports.com

A New Year Prayer
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

A New Year’s Wish
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that at the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

From "the vault"

'Lifted' from San Clemente Patch

1. Of course I look familiar—I was here just last week cleaning your carpets.

2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier.

3. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.

4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer on your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it.

5. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don’t let your alarm company install the control pad where I can see if it’s set. That makes it too easy.

6. A good security company alarms the window over the sink, as well as second floor windows.

7. It’s raining, you’re fumbling with your umbrella and you forget to lock your door. Understandable. But understand this: I don’t take a day off because of bad weather.

8. I always knock first. If you answer, I’ll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters.

9. Do you really think I won’t look in your sock drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside table and the medicine cabinet.

10. Here’s a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids’ rooms.

11. You’re right: I won’t have enough time to break into that safe where you keep your valuables. But if it’s not bolted down, I’ll take it with me.

12. A loud television or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm system. Leave it on.

13. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy and carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.

14. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbors.

15. I’ll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your neighbor hears one loud sound, he’ll stop what he’s doing and wait to hear it again. If he doesn’t hear it again, he’ll go back to what he was doing. Call the police when you think you heard a window break.

16. I’m not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house without setting it?

17. I love peeking into windows, looking for signs that you’re home and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems. I call this "window shopping for later," when I pick my targets.

18. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It’s easier than you think to look up your address.

19. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to let in a little fresh air. To me, it’s an invitation.

20. If you don’t answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the jackpot and walk right in.

    
    
    
    
    

    ]]> tag:www.wheenk.com,2011:/fun//3.193 2011-10-20T17:41:47Z 2011-10-21T00:48:11Z
    A Benefit for Bondi Ministries! Shared by Wheenk!...
    Wheenk! http://www.wheenk.com

    A Benefit for Bondi Ministries!

    Shared by Wheenk!
    
    
    ]]>

    
    

    
    
    

    
    
    
    
    
    

    ]]> tag:www.wheenk.com,2011:/fun//3.192 2011-10-05T20:31:31Z 2011-10-06T03:36:50Z
    From Kelly's email vault Shared by Wheenk!...
    Wheenk! http://www.wheenk.com

    From Kelly's email vault

    Shared by Wheenk!
    
    
    ]]> ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

    BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK - "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY’. MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

    OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' - STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED. ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.

    IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

    AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY - "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

    
    TRUE STORY.

    
    
    
    
    

    ]]> tag:www.wheenk.com,2011:/fun//3.191 2011-09-14T18:30:23Z 2011-09-15T01:34:44Z
    From Kelly's vault of email funnies Shared by Wheenk!...
    Wheenk! http://www.wheenk.com

    From Kelly's vault of email funnies

    Shared by Wheenk!
    
    
    ]]> A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
    While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
    The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
    The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~
    An elderly woman died last month. Having never married , she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
    He answered, 'Call for backup.'
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~
    At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
    Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
    The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

    
    
    
    
    
    

    ]]> tag:www.wheenk.com,2011:/fun//3.190 2011-08-31T17:46:35Z 2011-09-01T01:50:24Z
    From an email Shared by Kelly Kelly Kelly!...
    Wheenk! http://www.wheenk.com

    From an email

    Shared by Kelly Kelly Kelly!
    
    
    ]]>
21. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

22. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
    "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

23. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
    "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

24. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
    "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.."

25. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
    "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

26. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
    "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

27. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
    "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

28. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
    "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."

29. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

30. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
    "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

31. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

32. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
    "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
    He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

33. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

34. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
    “I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.”

35. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye."
    

From the Funny Pages

From the funny pages

From (The Customer Is) NotAlwaysRight.com

(I have a caller named Victor Krumm in the computer system. I’m a Harry Potter fan.)

Me: “Okay, sir, so you’re Victor Krumm?”

Caller: “Yep, that’s me.”

Me: “Sorry, this might sound funny, but did you know that there’s a book series called Harry Potter with a character with that name?”

(There’s a pause, as if he’s thinking, and suddenly he yells.)

Caller: “THE MUGGLES KNOW!”

(He hangs up. His wife calls a little while later to actually schedule.)

From the Washington Post