Wheenk! Fun

Creative Puns For "Educated Minds"

2010-02-08T22:27:01Z

Shared by Margaret W!

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The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a weapon of maths disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Amazing Simple Home Remedies

2010-01-12T19:29:03Z

Shared by Ria F!

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AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Holiday Eating Tips

2009-12-08T21:47:34Z

10 Tips To Get You Through...

Shared by Megan N!

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Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner!

I Am Thankful

2009-11-18T17:41:38Z

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.

Shared by Wheenk!

]]> I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork.
Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.
In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.
Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either. I am thankful.

No Thanksgiving Dinner

2009-11-04T22:50:23Z

From humormatters.com

Shared by Wheenk!

]]> Tis the night before Thanksgiving and all through our house
No turkey is baking; I feel like a louse,
For I am all nestled, so snug in my bed;
I’m not gettin’ up and I’m not bakin’ bread.

No pies in my oven, no cranberry sauce
Cuz I give the orders, and I am the boss.
When out in the kitchen, there arose such a clatter
I almost got up to see what was the matter.

As I drew in my head and was tossing around
To the bed came my husband, he grimaced, he frowned.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
He scared me to death and I thought, “Here he goes!”

He spoke not a word as he threw back my quilt
And the look that he gave was intended to wilt.
So up to the ceiling my pillows he threw
I knew I had had it, his face had turned blue.

“You prancer! you dodger! you’re lazy, you vixen!
Out yonder in kitchen, Thanksgiving you’re fixin!”
But he heard me explain, with my face in a pout:
"I'm just plain too tired and we're eating out!"

Firefighters' Halloween Story

2009-10-22T21:26:53Z

From ... somewhere funny

Shared by Wheenk!

]]> Notice:  County Community Burn Ordinances Pertaining to recreational fires and burning of yard and household waste. All outdoor burning is prohibited in the City except for those parcels described in ordinance. Recreational fires are allowed, but not during the hours of 6:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m.

At 8.00pm on October 31st two fire-fighters could see a fire raging in the back yard. It was clearly in breach of the rule on burning leaves after dark. One of the fireman knocked on the door, and they both waited, each holding their helmet in their hand. The little old woman opened the door and promptly dropped a bar of candy into each helmet. She then told them, 'Aren't you boys are a little old for trick and treat?’, and closed the door. The fire-fighters left open mouthed.

Potty Humor

2009-10-06T20:41:51Z

Shared by Sue D!

]]> A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE.”

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES, BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: ”WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

2009-08-19T21:49:29Z

For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of English

Shared by Wheenk!

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DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD

Ankles

2009-08-06T18:24:56Z

From Sillybird.com

Written by Jessica Prentice!

]]> Ankles are so dear to me
Yet go unrecognized
Connecting my shins to my feet
Since I have been alive

They're flexible and curvey
They're a cousin to the wrist
Without them we'd walk on our knees
Then surely they'd be missed

Overshadowed by the face and butt
Shoulders, waist and abs
Even cankles get the spotlight when
Fat ankles blend with calves

Ignored until they twist or spreign
From sports or exercising
I don't consider gauze to be
True accessorizing

An anklet's fine, but can't compare
To a wristwatch, scarf or glasses
G-string's...much more common
Just to decorate our a**es

The point is, in the ankle world
We're seeking more supporters
Without them we'd be missing out
And several inches shorter.

PRICELESS!

2009-07-22T18:07:34Z

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this story.....

Shared by Lana D!

]]> Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO and he was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the new CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy at the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make about $400 a week. Why?’

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!' The guy left without saying a word to the CEO.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here? '

From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'

A Good Mystery

2009-07-01T22:26:01Z

From...somewhere funny

Shared by Wheenk!

]]> A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, ''I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip.''

The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, ''Follow me.''

The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle. ''Thanks so much,'' says the theatergoer, ''This seat is perfect.'' He then hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, ''The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick.''

Perfect Tee Shot

2009-06-15T17:58:35Z

From Yahoo Joke of the Day

Shared by Wheenk!

]]> A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the darn ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

Am I Covered??

2009-03-18T18:11:34Z

From the Medical Bloopers Calendar

Shared by Wheenk!

]]> Mrs. Hobbs, a seventy-five-year-old woman in the hospital for long-standing abdominal discomfort, kept herself cheerful by flirting shamelessly with the male staff. During yet another round of tests, she said to a handsome young doctor, "I wonder, if you came up to my room and spent the night with me, would it help me recover?"

"It probably would," the doctor replied, "but I doubt your insurance would cover it."

Eye Test

2009-03-04T21:18:25Z

From the Medical Bloopers Calendar

Shared by Wheenk!

]]> A Polish immigrant was undergoing a routine eye test at his doctor's office. The chart said:

C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the doctor asked.

"Read it?" The man replied. "I went to school with the guy!"

Great Writer

2009-02-18T22:28:26Z

From CleanHumor.com

Shared by Wheenk!

]]> There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.