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February 2008 Archives

February 27, 2008

Today in the Stock Market:

Shared by Wheenk


Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cow steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.




February 20, 2008

Actual School Excuse Notes

From ComedyCentral.com

Shared by Wheenk!


 
These are excuse notes from parents collected by schools from all over the country (with their original spelling):
 


  1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
  2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
  3. Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
  4. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
  6. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  7. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
  8. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  9. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
  10. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
  11. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
  12. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
  13. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
  14. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
  15. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
  16. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
  17. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  18. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
  19. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.




February 13, 2008

Wise Old Man

From ComedyCentral.com

Shared by Wheenk!


A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A quarter?!" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.




February 06, 2008

Strangers On A Train

A Scientist Gets On A Train To New York . . .

Shared by Wheenk!


A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.

"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.

"I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer.

"I don''t know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?"

The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist.

"I don''t know."