The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
 

1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
    
   
2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
    
   
3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
    
   
4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
    
   
5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
    
   
6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
    
   
7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
    
   
8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
    
   
9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has Been run over by a steamroller.
    
   
10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline..
      
    
11. pokemon, n.. a Rastafarian proctologist.
     
    
12. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
     
    
13. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.