Kids Say The Darndest Things . . . Shared by Wheenk

"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls." - Rocky, age 9

"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower." - Lamar, age 10

"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes."
- Carol, age 9

"Never bug a pregnant mom." - Nicholas, age 11

"Don't ever be too full for dessert." - Kelly, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
- Heather, age 16

"Never tell your mom her diet's not working." - Michael, age 14

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." - Joel, age 12

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
- Alyesha, age 13

"Never try to baptize a cat." - Laura, age 13

"Never spit when on a roller coaster." - Scott, age 11

"Never do pranks at a police station." - Sam, age 10

"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving." - Rob, age 10

"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand." - Molly, age 11

"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information." - Chelsey, age 7

"Stay away from prunes." - Randy, age 9

"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car." - Phillip, age 13

"Forget the cake, go for the icing." - Cynthia, age 8

"Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and Grandma's house."
- Joanne, age 11

"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents." - Matthew, age 12

Posted by Wheenk! at 12:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

"Wake Up" shared by, Julie. Silent, but deadly . . .

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.  Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00am. Wake up."

Posted by Wheenk! at 01:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

"What you see?" shared by, Peter

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.   After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.   Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? 
 
"The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."  

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.  

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,   "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be Approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.   What's it tell you, Tonto?" 
 
"You dumber than buffalo chip. It mean someone stole tent."

Posted by Wheenk! at 06:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street . . . shared by, Wheenk!

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says, "How well can you do?"

"Umm...I hate liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in frame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says,

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

Posted by Wheenk! at 12:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The day finally arrives. Forrest Gump goes to heaven. shared by, Julie. "Run Forrest, Run!"

The day finally arrives. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test are only three questions:

1. What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
   
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
   
3. What is God's first name?"
   

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replies, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?"

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replies Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replies, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…"

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind...but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replies, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaims an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replies. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN . . . "

St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates, and says: "Run Forrest, run."

Posted by Wheenk! at 09:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The most obvious warning messages and instructions! shared by, Julie. Duh!

Most of us find it sad that the litigiousness of our society has compelled manufacturers to place the most obvious of warning messages and instructions on their product packaging. At least we've created one more outlet for humor, so read the following messages, have a good chuckle, and repeat after us: Duh!

1. Do not use while sleeping. Sears hair dryer
2. Use like regular soap. Dial soap
3. Serving suggestion: Defrost. Swann frozen dinner
4. Fits one head. Shower cap box
5. Do not turn upside down. Bottom of Tesco's Tiramisu dessert box
6. Product will be hot after heating. Marks & Spencer bread pudding
7. Do not iron clothes on body. Rowenta iron
8. Do not drive car or operate machinery. Boot's children's cough medicine
9. Warning: May cause drowsiness. Nytol
10. Warning: Keep out of children. Korean kitchen knife
11. For indoor or outdoor use only. Chinese Christmas lights
12. Not to be used for the other use. Japanese food processor
13. Warning: Contains nuts. Sainsbury's peanuts
14. Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. American Airlines peanut packet
15. Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. Swedish chainsaw

Posted by Wheenk! at 09:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Three old ladies were discussing getting older . . . shared by, Wheenk!

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and I can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem – knock on wood.” She rapped her knuckles on the table and said, “That must be the door. I’ll get it.”

Posted by Wheenk! at 01:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

. . . everything on this list applies to you! shared by, Wheenk!.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 WHEN . . .

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
   
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
   
3. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.
   
4. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have email addresses.
   
5. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
   
6. Every commercial on TV has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
   
7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
   
8. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
   
9. You start tilting your head sideways to smile : )
   
10. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
    

Posted by Wheenk! at 01:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)